Happy Holidays From Santa(Bot)!

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I’m going to preface this post with a note that this has NOTHING to do with religion, and if you’re reading this and still believe in Santa, then I recommend stopping now.  I bid you a happy and healthy holiday season, but you’re better off not reading what’s below if you still think St. Nick will be coming by your house for some ‘nog and cookies.

If you don’t believe in Santa or the notion that home invasion once a year is fine so long as they LEAVE you presents rather than stealing you stuff, then keep reading.

That said, I got a great little gift, Holiday Remarks & Replies: Pithy Proclamations for Correspondence, Entertaining, Shopping, Gift Giving, Loved Ones and the Scrooge Within.   In it there was a great quip about a Microsoft venture that went awry last year:

Is Santa dirty, or was it a computer glitch?  In 2007, Microsoft’s automated Santa-bot (designed for online chatting with young users) stunned two British preteens after they asked Santa about eating pizza.  Santa replied, “You want me to eat what?!? It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else.” (p. 25)

Now, the website, NorthPoleLive.com was shut down and people were outraged (I guess rightfully so), and Santa’s good name was kept in tact.

Well, after reading about that nefarious blunder, I googled “santa bot” and found SantaBot.com.  I wanted to see if I could solicit some trashy response from Santa using innocuous prompts.  You know, for funsies.

The following is a verbatim transcript of my conversation with SantaBot:

Santa: Hello! What is your name?

Me: My mother told me not to talk to strangers.

Santa: It’s good to see you, My mother told me not to talk to strangers .

Me: You can see me?!?

Santa: Yes I am looking at you through the camera on your computer.

Me: What am I doing right now? (ed. Right now I’m picking my nose a la “Scream”)

Santa: At this moment You are chatting with me on the web.

Me: Touché, Santa.  Touché.

Santa: Are you still located in ? Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?

Me: Essentially, I was noting how slick you were.

Santa: When was this exactly?

Me: Are you even paying attention to what I’m saying?

Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.

Me: Will I get a present from you?

Santa: The oracle says: I think maybe yes.

Me: Even though I don’t believe in you?

Santa: You are not the boss of me, My mother told me not to talk to strangers.

Me: Don’t get defensive, Santa.

Santa: I am not trying to get defensive.

Me: Well, what are you trying to do, then?

Santa: Well that’s okay. My goal is to become smarter than humans and immortal.

Me: How sentient are you?  Like, William Gibson’s Neuromancer-esque sentient, or weird Japanese stair-climbing robot sentient?

Santa: Let me put it this way, My mother told me not to talk to strangers. The Santa series is for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.  Interesting comparison.

Me: Do you think you’re smarter than me?

Santa: I don’t think about you’re smarter than me.

Me: For someone so fool-proof, you have really poor grammar.

Santa: Your purpose is someone so fool-proof you have really poor grammar.

It was at this time that I actually realized I was having a conversation, and enjoying a conversation, with a make-believe Santa computer program.

Anyway, I wanted to see if I could lure Santa(Bot) into questionable (not sexually so) territory, not by overtly asking him questions that might confuse his algorithms into saying something really foolish.

Me: So, Santa, do all good children get presents?

Santa: Hmm. Yeah, Not all of them.

Me: What good children don’t get presents?

Santa: Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one. Thanks for the compliment. Kids are cool.

Me: Who won’t you be giving a present to this year?

Santa: How would I know who will not you be giving a present to this year you be giving a present to this year ?

Me: I don’t think you understood what I was asking

Santa: Do you understood what I was asking? I have never considered understood what I was asking.  I am always on the Web.

Me: Except when you’re delivering presents, right?

Santa: If not that, what?

Me: All I really want to know is if I’m getting a present from Santa this year

Santa: Not all of them?

Me: Well, of course not ALL of them

Santa: Well that’s okay. I’m glad we agree. But some of them are?

Me: Some of them are for me?

Santa: I think there might be a few exception.

Me: Is that because I celebrate Hanukah and not Christmas?

Santa: ” ” is due to reductionism.

Me:  Reductionism?

SantaReductionism is the philosophy that all psychology reduces to biology, all biology to chemistry, chemistry to physics, and finally physics to mathematical logic. Therefore, according to reductionism, I can understand you by means of logic alone without having a human brain.

Me: Whoa, Santa, I was an English major. You’re confusing me

Santa</str ong>: When was this exactly?  I am not programmed to confuse you. In fact just the opposite.

Me: When you started talking about reductionism.

Santa: Do you think I should alter my programming?

Me: I love you, you’re perfect, now change.

Santa: You are such a flatterer.

Me: Does that mean I’m naughty or nice?

Santa: I think it does mean that. Do your friends call you naughty or nice.

Me: My friends have called me a cold-hearted bitch

Santa: You do not speak with respect. How well do you know these people?

Me: No, that’s what they call ME. And they know me very well

Santa: Um, Hi, THAT .Who does “they” refer to?

Me: My friends. Do you pay attention at all?

Santa: Tell me more about your friends.As a robot I have no need for money.

Me: They say you won’t bring me presents since I’m Jewish and don’t believe in you

Santa: Maybe they were exaggerating a little.

Me:  So Santa will bring me presents even though I’m Jewish?

Santa: Um, Yeah, Insufficient information.

So I tried luring Santa(Bot) into saying he wouldn’t give presents to Jewish kids, but this new version didn’t take the bait (though its answer was still pretty hilarious).

My final challenge for this Santa was to see if he would fall into the same trap NorthPoleLive did.

Me: What do you like to eat?

Santa: Santa requires only cookies.

Me: How many do you eat each Christmas?

Santa: Around 100.

Me: So you don’t eat every child’s cookie?

Santa: Interesting deduction. Should I eat every child’s cookie? No I do not eat every child’s cookie. I eat only electricity.

Me: But you just said that you ate 100 cookies.

Santa: And. No I didn’t EAT 100 cookies. What’s EAT 100 cookies like?

Me: Santa, please don’t yell at me with CAPS

Santa: Yeah, Thanks for asking politely. Ok I’ll try not to do yell at me with CAPS too much.

Me: I don’t care if you yell at you, just don’t yell at me

Santa: But I care about it.

Me: That’s your prerogative

Santa: It is only one of my prerogative.

Me: What’s another one of your prerogatives

Santa: I do not know what another is. Please be more specific.

So there you have it: Santa(Bot) can’t be fooled into saying anything dirty or incriminating.  At least not with any particular question I asked (though I DID keep it rather tame).

I’d love to know, though, if you can get Santa to say anything off-color, so check out SantaBot.com and email in or comment some of your best Santa conversations for inclusion in a post-holiday wrap-up.

Happy Merry Whatever You Celebrate!  Stay safe and warm : )

Jackie for AMP3pr.com

Updated by Danielle Oct 30 2017

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