Dear President-Elect Obama: An Earnest Letter

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(Updated for 2017, URL Corrections, etc)

Dear President-Elect Obama:

While I’m sure you are well aware of the daunting tasks you have to tackle in the next few months and years, there are certain matters I’d like to put on your radar now (in case you find yourself with a little time between saving the economy and getting us safely out of Iraq.  Perhaps two Thursdays from now?), as well as some bits of advice I think you might find helpful.

First, always carry a Tide To Go pen.  If you find it cumbersome in your pocket, have Michelle put it in her purse.  Nothing would be more embarrassing having a stain on your lapel as you welcome someone like Jose Luis Rodriguez to the White House.

Also, with respect to food, making healthy and organic options affordable would be fabulous.  Until you can get money to grow on trees (and I firmly believe that if anyone can, it’d probably be you), I don’t want to be stuck debating between Lipton’s Rice or Lipton’s Pasta Side dishes for dinner.

Tip number two involved family vacations (and not just those to Camp David).  As someone that has only recently started going on family trips again (we had about a 6 year period where traveling together was thema non-grata), I can lend you some advice: bring lots of books, allot a small—but important—bit of time each day to contemplate the joy of your family away from your family, and resign to the fact that you’re probably going to break your diet by eating less healthy than if you weren’t on vacation.

Oh, and while I come to think of it, can you have a brief chat with the airlines and big oil?  Because after I take of my shoes, have my lip gloss thrown out for not being in a plastic bag, and have my laptop swabbed for explosives, it’s a little disheartening to get on a plane and know that the cost of my ticket, mainly due to the (lower, but still outrageous) cost of fuel, is almost as much as an entire week’s pay.  And even then,  I have to pay for a pillow, blanket, and headset for a flight that won’t give me more than a less-than-fun-size package of peanuts.

Handy hint three involves your exercise and keeping your heart healthy.  The happier you are, the happier the American people will be (a non-economic trickle down effect of sorts), so keep those endorphins pumping.  If you ever need someone to shoot hoops with, you let me know (I was a PAL power-forward from the ages of 9-11, until a girl bit me and I gave up basketball in favor soccer and volleyball).

While we’re on the subject of exercise, I’d love to bring up walking.  And this may be a personal matter, but I feel like I can share things with you, so I’m going to take the time ask for a favor: can you light a fire under the ass of the people that are supposedly (ir)responsible for New York City’s non-existent 2nd Avenue Subway?  A lot of people living on Manhattan’s east side voted for you, and I’d consider it a personal favor if you could try pushing it along.  I’m not expecting much, but I’ll still keep my fingers crossed.

I think that’s all for now, but you can be sure that I’ll be speaking up, and loudly, should there be something I think you should know.

Also, if you’re looking for a Secretary of General Witticisms, I’m available to moonlight for you (I should probably also mention that Amber Lee Ettinger—our dear client and your number one fan—would probably be open to being your Chief of Viral Videos).


Jackie Brook (for

P.S. I think you, on the sly, got an endorsement from Microsoft.  At the very least, MS-Office appears to have been anti-Palin.  See below.


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