Reasons Why I’m Much Smarter Than My Brother

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Not long ago, I got an email from my brother with the subject line “yep.”

In the body of the email, there was nothing but a link entitled, “Are Left Handed People Smarter”.

After that, a short back and forth about SAT scores (of which I did much better) and Regents exams (of which he claims to have done better on all of them, but almost certainly didn’t) took place, and I went on to up divvy up the familial attributes.

Me: Beauty and brains (thanks, mom!)

Him: Brawn and left-handedness (thanks, postman!  Just kidding…)

Since we’re both at work, and since enough time was wasted on the back-and-forth, we stopped emailing.  But that didn’t keep me from thinking about all the ways in which I’m smarter than my brother.  And since it’s Friday, and since I’m deciding to save up all my warm and loving feelings towards him for Thanksgiving, I figured I’d list them out here.

1.     School smarts.

The standardized tests don’t lie: I’m smarter.

However, if we were to hinge smarts on college majors, I would have trumped him 3-1.  So, let’s count those, too.

2.     Police matters.

I have to hand it for my brother. He’s the only person I know who can get caught peeing ON the Midtown tunnel and manage to escape even paying a fine.

On the other hand, I have never been cited for peeing on anything, so we’re going to go and put this in my win column.

3.     Money management.

Now, this is a tough category.  My brother has a great job, an amazing apartment at a rent that’s WAY below market value, and he’s always happy to indulge himself and others in a good meal (whether home-cooked or store bought).

Like my brother, I have a great job, however, I live in an aprartment-ette (two full bedrooms, but really only suitable for the people of Lilliput) and though our kitchen isn’t super-conducive to cooking, I do make a mean pasta/chicken/spinach dish.

Though it does look like this should be an out-and-out victory for my brother, I’m going to call it a tie.

Why?  He works in finance and his profession is more closely related to the economic turmoil that keeps me from moving out of my apartment-ette and into a an amazing apartment with rent that’s WAY below market value.

4.     Visual aesthetic.

I’ll be the first to admit that I had a really painful series of awkward looking years from the age of 7 till, let’s say, 17.  During those formative years, I was plagued with a really good looking and popular and athletic older brother.  I have memories of girls I didn’t know wanting to be friends and asking for sleepovers because they wanted to come over to my house for a chance to see my brother.

But then we both grew up.

Well, I grew up and got a job at a tragically trendy chain clothing store, mocking shoppers as they wore items that I owned but at 40% off.

My brother, conversely, eschewed his trendier duds for, well, shirts out of this:


Having been a young man that, once upon a time, wouldn’t leave the house without checking if his mom thought he looked good, it’s just sad to see all that wasted potential.

Now, I’m not without questionable fashion choices, but as a whole, I’m going to count myself the victor on this one.

5.     Sports allegiance

In brief, we come from a broken home: I like the Mets and he likes the Yankees.

Following the records from 2006 on (I won’t go further back; I call those the Dark Ages), though the Mets may have had some unfortunate losses, I at least got to eat an over-priced Shea Stadium hotdog after the regular season.

I will concede, however, that neither of us are as lame as our mom who, without good reason (and growing up there is NOT a good reason) likes the Red Sox.

R: me

H: him

E: mom


So, for all intents and purposes, I have to say that I’m the smarter child.

I can say, though, that recently my brother gave me a run for my money by doing the smartest thing he’s ever done: proposing to his now-fiancée.  It makes me burst with happiness, as I love them both very much.

It was such a smart move, in fact, that it makes up for his ugly gingham shirt (which hopefully his bride-to-be will ruin in an unfortunate laundry accident).

Jackie for

Updated by Danielle Oct 30 2017

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